So, last week I had my 5th miscarriage at 7 weeks. We were bummed, but at the same time felt ok about it. All of the other times I was just told I needed to lose all this weight and blah blah…I always left the dr. office frustrated and irritated b/c I felt like there’s more to me JUST losing weight to stay pregnant. Granted I know that being overweight is a factor, I just never felt it was THE reason why I can’t stay pregnant. So this past week when I went to the dr. for my actual (ironic) first and last appt., she did an ultrasound a bunch of blood work. We talked a little and for the first time I felt like she saw me as a person and I could see her compassion. She is referring us to a gynecological endocrinologist where they specialize in high risk pregnancies. I’m not sure when I’ll actually get to see one as I don’t have insurance right now, hopefully before the end of the year at least. From there they can start to do testing (which I’ve heard is pricey). I’m not even going to stress about it b/c it won’t change anything. But I’m hopeful that in probably a year or two (maybe more) I’ll be able to be pregnant. I’ve accepted that I’ll be an “older” mom and that maybe instead of having a gaggle of curly headed chubsters, we’ll have one or two.

I’m not giving up hope and I’m certainly not bitter about it. I can’t be, you know? Life goes on whether or not I’m lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly have my moments, and I need to grief. But, I need to move on as well. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and is constantly aware of my desires and my needs. I feel his love so strongly in my life by way of my friends and family. I am blessed to have a truly amazing family all around me. Dare I say, I have an amazing brother? Well, I do. He called me to check up on me, it makes me feel good to know that my big bro loves me even when we get joy out of irritating each other, ha ha. It makes me feel good that my parents drove two hours just to take us out to dinner on Friday only to turn around and drive two hours home again. It makes me feel good that my husband does the laundry so I can keep my feet up and rest. It makes me feel good that a good friend called me on Friday b/c she had been prompted by the spirit to do so and she had no idea what was going on, but she just felt like she needed to let me know that she loved me. It makes feel good that I got txt messages from my girls from school saying they loved me and missed me.

When I sit back and think of my life and especially my friends and family, I really can’t find any reason to complain, seriously!!! I do feel guilty b/c I haven’t been that great of a friend as far as returning calls and such. But I figure I’d be a worse friend if I started calling people back at 1 a.m., don’t you think?

Life throws us curveballs all the time when we’re not looking. Sometimes it’s easier to let it hit you smack dab in the face to realize, “Ok, I can do this.” We’ve got a great summer ahead of us. I’ll be done with school, James will be in his major. I’ll be able to actually make REAL money again (sometimes I feel like I’m being paid with monopoly money right now). We’re in the works for some fun trips to Chicago, Pittsburgh, New York, and hopefully a cruise. Of course this is all dependent on said REAL money. I can’t help but be excited for the future. Tonight at work I even started thinking about doing a Masters program part time either my MBA or Counseling. Who knows, I’m getting ahead of myself, just a little. I’m thankful that my cousin is a GREAT resource in the Hair industry and knows lots of people that can point me in the right direction of my career.

Please know that as I’m writing this, I don’t want you to feel sad for me. It’s almost refreshing in a way to see that I’m not as much of an emotional wreck as I once thought I was. Heavenly Father has given me a chance to prepare for the future that awaits us. I’m looking forward to more time with just James, and getting my body in a more healthy state. Which is another thing that I am determined to do. I promise body, I’ll get us there someday!!!

As long as there’s new shoes to be tried on, friends to be made and family to hug, it’s all good!